Your friend or colleague has been away for a week, but not on vacation. When they return, their eyes look different—older, sadder, puffier, somehow smaller. You want to help, to say something meaningful, to show you care. But what do you say to someone whose world has been shattered by loss? How do you offer support without overstepping?
Supporting a grieving colleague or friend is one of those situations where good intentions aren't enough. Despite our best efforts to be kind, many of us inadvertently say things that hurt rather than help, offer support that feels burdensome rather than beneficial, or avoid the person entirely because we're afraid of saying the wrong thing.
The truth is, there's no perfect way to support someone through grief. But there are thoughtful, meaningful ways to show up that can make a real difference during an incredibly difficult time. Understanding what helps—and what doesn't—can transform you from a well-meaning bystander into a genuinely supportive presence in their life.
Understanding Grief
Before diving into what to say and do, there are a few misconceptions about grief to set straight. There is no timeline or order in grief. If you've heard of the 5 Stages of Grief, please know the original research was titled "The 5 Stages of Death and Dying" because it was meant for people facing their own death—not the people left in the wake of loss. There are no right or wrong ways to grieve, but there are things we can do to move through grief in healthy ways that support healing.
Grief affects every aspect of life. Although grief is a universal human experience, it is incredibly unique from individual to individual and from loss to loss. Here are just a few ways someone could feel the impact of loss:
- Cognitively. They may be struggling with memory, concentration, and decision-making. Tasks that once felt automatic might now require enormous effort.
- Emotionally. They're likely on a roller coaster of feelings that can change without warning. They might seem fine one moment and overwhelmed the next.
- Physically. Grief is exhausting. They may be dealing with sleep disruption, changes in appetite, headaches, or other physical symptoms that make work more challenging.
- Socially. They might feel disconnected from normal interactions, finding small talk difficult or feeling like they're watching life through glass.
Understanding these impacts helps explain why your friend or colleague might seem different, why their engagement might be affected, and why your support matters so much during this time.
What NOT to Say: Well-Meaning Words That Hurt
Let's start with what doesn't help, because avoiding harmful comments is just as important as knowing what to say. The following phrases are often offered with genuine care, but they can actually increase a grieving person's pain. Let's explore these together.
- "I Know How You Feel..." Even if you've experienced the exact same type of loss in very similar circumstances, you don't know how they feel. Everyone's grief is unique. This phrase, while meant to show empathy, often makes grieving people feel misunderstood or minimized. It shifts focus from their experience to yours and suggests their grief is predictable or standard.
- "They're in a Better Place" or "Everything Happens for a Reason..." These statements, while meant to provide comfort, often feel dismissive of the person's pain and loss. They imply that there's a silver lining to tragedy or that the person should find comfort in philosophical explanations. It suggests they shouldn't be sad about their loss and imposes beliefs they may not share.
- "At Least..." Anything that starts with "at least" is minimizing and dismissive and should be removed from your vocabulary when supporting someone. "At least they're not suffering anymore," "At least you had time to say goodbye," "At least you have other children." These phrases imply that they shouldn't be sad and should be grateful instead, which dismisses the significance of their loss.
- "You're So Strong" or "God Only Gives Us What We Can Handle..." While meant as compliments, these phrases can feel like pressure to maintain a facade of strength rather than permission to feel their grief fully. It can make them feel like their internal pain and difficulty aren't being seen or acknowledged. It can make people feel isolated in their pain and create shame about normal grief responses.
- "You Need to Move On" or "It's Time to Get Back to Normal..." These statements reflect impatience with the grief process and misunderstanding about how grief actually works. As we've already covered, there's no timeline for grief, and "normal" may never look the same again. It invalidates their ongoing grief and suggests they're grieving "wrong" or too long.
- "Let Me Know If You Need Anything..." While this seems supportive, it places the burden on the grieving person to identify and ask for help when they're least equipped to do so. It requires them to manage your offer of help when they're already overwhelmed.
What TO Say: How We Can Do Better
Effective support starts with simple, authentic acknowledgment of their loss and ongoing care. Here are some approaches that can genuinely help:
- "I've been thinking about you since I heard about [name]." This shows ongoing care without requiring a response from them.
- "[Name] was such a [specific quality]. I remember when they [specific memory]." Sharing specific, positive memories honors their loved one and shows they made an impact on others.
- "I don't know what to say, but I want you to know I care and I'm here for you." This honest acknowledgment is often more comforting than attempts at perfect words.
- "You don't have to talk about it, but I'm here to listen if you want to." This offers availability without pressure.
- "There are just no words. I'm sorry [name] died." Sometimes acknowledging the inadequacy of words is more helpful than trying to find the right ones. Using the person's name and the word "died" (rather than euphemisms) shows you're not afraid of their reality and acknowledges the specific person they've lost.
Immediate Practical Support
Instead of saying "let me know if you need anything," offer specific, concrete help that doesn't require them to manage your offer. In fact, we've created a free support tool to make this easy for you! Depending on your friend or colleague's situation, they may have a lot of areas where you can offer practical support within your means to help. Remember, it's important for you to maintain healthy boundaries while helping others. Here are a few ideas to get your started:
- "I'm getting coffee—can I bring you one?" Simple gestures that require no effort from them.
- "I brought lunch for both of us. No pressure to eat together, but it's here if you want it." Providing nourishment without social pressure.
- "I'm happy to handle the client calls this week if you'd like me to." Taking on specific tasks for a work friend that they might find emotionally challenging.
- "I can do yard work for you on Saturday if that would help." Specific offers are much easier to accept than general ones.
Ongoing Support
Checking in with people after a loss is so important. Oftentimes, support will drop off dramatically once the burial or cremation has taken place. A month later, most people have returned to their lives while the person grieving is still picking up the pieces of theirs. Because of this, it's even more important to stay connected and offer space for them to talk about their loved one, express their emotions, and show them you still remember and care. Here are a few things you can say depending on the situation:
- "I'm thinking of you, especially on the hard days." This acknowledges that grief continues beyond the initial loss and can be helpful to hear on holidays, anniversaries, or other challenging days related to the loss.
- "How are you doing today?" Asking about today rather than "how are you" in general feels more manageable to answer for the person who is experiencing so much day to day.
- "I remember how [name] always [specific behavior]. It always made me smile." If you knew their loved one, sharing specific, warm memories can be incredibly meaningful when appropriate.
- "I'm planning to check in with you next week. Is there a day that works better?" Letting them know you'll follow up without making them ask for continued support.
- "I'd like to send you a text occasionally just to let you know I'm thinking of you. Is that okay?" Asking permission for low-pressure ongoing contact.
- "Would it be helpful if I included you in social invitations, even if you might say no?" Acknowledging they may not be up for social activities while ensuring they don't feel forgotten.
Remember that grief changes people, often in profound and permanent ways. Your support during their difficult time can help them integrate their loss in ways that ultimately enrich both their personal life and their professional contributions. The goal isn't to fix your friend or colleague's grief or make it go away—it's to be a consistent, caring presence that helps them feel less alone as they navigate one of life's most challenging experiences.
For more specific guidance on navigating your own grief while managing work responsibilities, see our companion article: "When the World Keeps Spinning: Navigating Work While Your Heart is Healing."
